A greening comes across the sky (6/23/03)
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Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter. [William Beaudine, 1966. Written by Carl Kittleman.]
Mad scion of the Frankenstein clan Narda Onyx, reluctantly assisted by her wussy brother Steven Geray, has here picked a lull in the narrative maelstrom of the Wild Wild West to transfer the family flag and secret laboratory to the Southwestern desert [or at least some matte paintings representative thereof] — where, they have been [correctly] briefed, there will be little interference from meddling representatives of Law Sanity and Order and thunderstorms and lightning aplenty with which to fuel the insatiable thirst for high-voltage electricity of the Forbidden Experiments offending against the laws of God and Nature for which their bloodline is famous.
And, sure enough, no sooner has the curtain risen than we discover them putting the electrodes to a twitching human guinea pig thoughtfully provided by the local Spanish peasant population — who are, we perceive, muttering “Madre Dios” under their breaths, crossing themselves furtively, and glancing fearfully over their shoulders at the abandoned mission which [no gothic castles being available in the neighborhood] the Frankensteins have adopted for their dark purposes.
The experiment, like all curtain-raisers, fails miserably; and, as smoke pours from the ears of their toasted subject, Ms. Onyx curses the inferiority of the materials with which she is forced to work and wishes aloud for more vigorous stock on which to ply the mad scientist’s trade.
By fortunate coincidence, legendary outlaw Jesse James [blackclad and mustachioed John Lupton] and his musclebound accomplice Hank Tracy/Cal Bolder [I don’t know which name is phonier] are cruising through the neighborhood looking for shelter and medical assistance after an unsuccessful attempt to put together a James Gang/Wild Bunch reunion tour has left their career prospects in disarray and Mr. Bolder leaking blood. Pursued by a vengeful posse, the two stumble across a family of peasants who are trying to clear out of the territory before their numbers come up on the Frankensteins’ waiting list, and are directed by gypsy bombshell Estralita to the waiting room of the mad doctor; who is, but of course, always on call.
Jesse’s explanation that Hank shot himself cleaning his gun doesn’t convince Ms. Onyx of anything, but the dimensions of Mr. Bolder’s pectorals speak volumes, and she sets to work straightaway — with improbably rapid results, considering that [genius ahead of her time or no] antibiotics lie far in the future and a leaking chest wound should have put the hunk away from internal bleeding in a Sante Fe minute. — Nonetheless in short order Mr. Bolder is revived and transformed by the lightnings of Zeus into a lobotomized lumbering hulk [not a difficult stretch for a thespian of his talents], Estralita and Ms. Onyx are contending for the hand of Mr. Lupton, and the fate of humanity hangs in the balance. — But I’d bet on the gunslinger; after all, this is his turf.
The Spanish and German accents here are so bad that literally you cannot tell them apart, the lab sets are so cheesy that the production designers couldn’t afford real oscilloscopes and had to substitute cardboard boxes with sinewaves painted on their fronts, and the brainwave helmet looks a lot like one of those hardhats you mount beer cans on; but the goofball premise, of course, carries all else before it, and this is, accordingly, one of those true marvels of the cult cinema, a piece of shit with irresistible charm.
As for how this may have come about, it is easy to speculate: a dark and stormy night, an isolated castle on a lonely mountaintop, a single light burning in a tower room; within, a hack, a typewriter, a case of whiskey, a carton of cigarettes, a looming deadline — and the sudden Satanic inspiration to create a monster, a simulacrum of life, assembled from the body parts of dead screenplays.
Perhaps this was it. But one cannot be sure. And, anyway, there are some things man was not meant to know.
____________Kermit versus Freddy versus Jason (6/17/03)
