Angels and ministers of grace (12/19/00)

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Ilsa, Harem Keeper Of The Oil Sheiks. [Don Edmunds, 1975.]

Lifesized Nazi Barbie doll Dyanne Thorne [weighing in at 37/17/33] finds herself in this second installment of the Ilsa saga cast as the sadistic assistant to a psychopathic Arab ruler who kidnaps white women to serve as his love slaves. Peripheral characters are eaten by rats, consumed by flames, blown up in the act of sexual congress, and castrated by female assassins who rip genitalia off with their bare hands; a female love slave is auctioned off to the highest bidder, who then insists he won’t take possession until her teeth are pulled. Ilsa herself once again makes the mistake of falling for a studly American spy, but tries to feed him to a tarantula anyway, just on general principles. The DVD release features color commentary by both director and star, who laugh at the folly that led them to make this feature using their real names, speculate about the future of the Ilsa franchise [Daughter of Ilsa, with Gwyneth Paltrow? or a big-budget Nazi Love Boat, say, Ilsa, Recreation Director On The Titanic?], and reveal that the tarantula got paid better than Ms. Thorne did; presumably because it had a better agent.

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Rocks in their heads (12/8/00)