Stonedhenge (8/11/99)
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Mystery Men. [Kinka Usher, 1999. Written by Neil Cuthbert, from the comic by Bob Burden.]
In an imaginary metropolis derivative of Gotham, famed costumed crusader Captain Amazing [aka Greg Kinnear], worried about the sagging ratings which may cost him his Pepsi endorsement, appears in civilian incognito at the seventeenth parole hearing of his ancient archenemy Casanova Frankenstein [played with malevolent relish by Geoffrey Rush] and delivers testimony designed to sway the psychiatric review board toward a bizarre decision to release the fettered Master of Menace; the better, apparently, that he might return to his Gothic mansion, gather up his entourage, bring forth assorted instruments of super-science from his dungeon laboratories, and resume the Conquest of the Universe. Amazing’s hidden purpose, of course, as he more or less confesses to the evil genius in a midnight visitation, is to defeat his rival once again in a thoroughly prepared and meticulously promoted rematch between Good and Evil, from which, presumably, commercial revenue might rival that of the Super Bowl. Alas, Casanova’s plan is simpler: he overpowers the Captain, straps the captive into a nuclear electric chair, and throws a party so that all his evil buddies [fraternity boys! evil suits who downsize their opposition! Big Tobacco! disco dudes and dolls! gangsta rappers!] can watch him toast the hapless superdude with a new and improved Death Ray. — Only one thing can save our putative hero: the timely intervention of a motley gang of costumed wannabes led [after a fashion] by Mister Furious Ben Stiller and featuring the talents of The Blue Raja Hank Azaria [who throws forks], The Sphinx Wes Studi [whose stock of eightball wisdom like “When you doubt your strength, you give strength to your doubts” seems bottomless], the Spleen Paul Rubens [who farts], the Invisible Boy Kel Mitchell [who really isn’t], the great William H. Macy as The Shoveler [“I shovel,” says Macy; “I shovel really well”], and Janeane Garofalo [all right, all right: I forgive her] as The Bowler. — Actually even their powers can’t save our putative hero, but at this point no one really cares. — After an open audition for new costumed talent that will recall to everyone his worst memories of a Star Trek convention, a meditative Retreat in the Deep Woods that bids fair to redefine the conventions of the martial-arts genre, and the fortuitous intervention of a Gibsonian mad scientist dwelling in an amusement park whose inventions include a Blame Gun and a gadget “based on standard drycleaning technology” that immobilizes the opposition by shrinking their clothing [said wizard played by Tom Waits, and I must say, he was to the manner born], the final battle looms. Will evil be vanquished? Will Casanova take the fall? Will our heroes validate their shaky selfesteem? Stay tuned. — Note to Cocktail: you’ll like the blimps.
____________Virgin queen, my ass (8/1/99)
