“How do you kill mud?” (1/7/08)
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Evil Breed: The Legend Of Samhain. [Christian Viel, 2003. Written by (at least) Viel and William R. Mariani; though Viel claims systematic interference from everyone associated with the production and says “I swear we were getting notes from the receptionist at Oasis who had screenwriting aspirations.”]
You may have heard this one before: a party of “college students” [no great surprise, they all look much older], consisting in equal parts of dim but muscular hunks and improbably bodacious young women, embark upon a sightseeing tour in the Irish outback which leads them with the unfailing aim of unconscious compulsion past dead trees fetid marshes and muttering choruses of superstitious natives signing themselves against the diabolical to a lonely manse improbably situated in some kind of gothic bayou; where they decide to take up temporary residence despite their misgivings — predictably numerous, since the participants in this dangerous cinematic experiment are, in the best traditions of postmodern horror, fluent in the conventions of the slasher flick; not that this serves any purpose other than to render them that much more exquisitely conscious of their predicament as one by one their eyes glaze over and they wander off alone into the deep dark woods to poke their noses into picturesque Druid ruins and barns with creaky floors amply furnished with sharp implements, and having copious quantities of sexual intercourse for which they must inevitably Be Punished; here by some kind of mutant product of incest who looks like moldy hamburger and can apparently be in several places at once [though the frame intrudes into the picture here, and it is obvious that this is not a manifestation of the supernatural but the consequence of bad editing.] — We have the opportunity to study clever cutaways to internal organs, inspect Very Big Knives, stumble through candlelit catacombs, and verify with mathematical rigor that female survival time is inversely proportional to cup size. — Moreover, we note that the famous-pornstar cameos here not only reinforce belief in the traditional equation of porn with violence against women, but, weird but undoubtedly true, under the logic of the slasher flick seem to imply that they’re being punished for having had sex
in other movies.
Which is way too postmodern for this hippie. I think I’ll walk away from this one right now. — Anyway there’s this flick that’s mysteriously appeared on my hard drive that seems to be telling the story of my life as it happens, and I need to make some popcorn and make derisive comments about it while I watch it. — “Sex sex sex, that's all you two can think about — it's getting really boring.” No shit.
____________It’s a jungle in there (7/14/07)
