Rocks in their heads (12/8/00)
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Dungeons And Dragons. [Courtney Solomon, 2000. Written by Topper Lilien and Carroll Cartwright. Seventeen claimed producers.]
Evil magician Jeremy Irons plots the ruin of Empress [but wouldbe social leveller] Thora Birch; toward which end he dispatches his henchmen to steal a, uh, Sacred Scroll detailing the whereabouts of a, uh, Rod of Power which will allow the bearer control over the species of, uh, Red Dragons [presumably to be contrasted with the run-of-the-mill mudcolored variety]; fortunately for the future of parliamentary democracy a couple of enterprising thieves, a cute albeit stuckup female mage-trainee, and a redbearded dwarf with poor table manners make off with the crucial document instead, and, after a lengthy expedition through a mythical landscape laden with boobytraps familiar to every viewer of the Indiana Jones movies, they collect all the talismans, free assorted imprisoned damsels in distress, and polish off Irons and his evil lieutenants in a lightsaber duel [well, almost] on the balcony of a high tower against the backdrop of a Battle-of-Britain sky darkened by swooping firelizards. — It is difficult to convey the cognitive dissonance caused by the constant interruption of amazing threedimensional virtual camera moves through astonishingly beautiful hyperGothic cathedral-castles by incredibly dumb gasbag dialogue about class warfare. I suggest the effects artists fire their writers and try again. With the utmost expedition.
____________Art as extreme sport (12/7/00)
