Cops and robbers (2/3/99)

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Seduced by the picture of Alyssa Milano on the cover, I purchased a copy of the TV Guide the other day [I think this is a first] and thus discovered quite by accident that the great Sammo Hung, like many other of his colleagues from the Hong Kong cinema, has come to America and is marking time on a copshow while Hollywood tries to decide whether to let him direct. I think Keaton would have to do a copshow, if we could bring him back from the dead; what irony there, and would it be better than winding up his career on the beach with Frankie and Annette?

Fortunately DVD has spawned a new wave of video releases from the mysterious East, allowing us a clearer look at the accomplishments of Sammo and his colleagues. A few titles off the top of the list:

The Heroic Trio. [Johnny To, 1993.]

Not unlike a classic Marvel comic: an evil sorceror dwelling beneath the streets in a subterranean grotto is kidnapping the infants of Hong Kong; motorcycle babe Thief Catcher, masked marvel Wonder Woman, and elusive wraith Invisible Girl, aka Magggie Cheung, Anita Mui, and Michelle Yeoh team up to confound his scheme. The choreography goes a bit over the top, but you’ll love their outfits. Followed by a sequel, The Executioners.


Moon Warriors. [Sammo Hung, 1992.]

Another one of those inscrutable Oriental plots: an emperor travelling incognito [Kenny Bee] in hiding from his evil brother who’s usurped the throne is befriended by a simple fisherman [Andy Lau] who then falls for the empress-to-be [Anita Mui] while escorting her back to her assignation with the emperor, who meanwhile is being betrayed out of jealousy by his courtesan [Maggie Cheung]. All this provides occasion for some really great swordfights, culminating in the grand Shakespearean bloodbath which swallows all the starcrossed lovers at the end of Act Five. — Spectacular. Did I mention the killer whale?


Armour Of God. [Aka Operation Condor Two; Jackie Chan, 1986.]

The first adventure of Indiana Chan, rich in thrilling chases and spectacular stunts. The outtakes at the end show Jackie jumping off the wall of a castle into a tree, missing, falling, and fracturing his skull. — This was the second try; apparently he decided the first take [the one used in the movie] wasn’t flashy enough. You could have fooled me.


Royal Warriors. [David Chung, 1986.]

Michelle Yeoh kicks copious butt in the service of the Royal Hong Kong police. Rumor has it Sigourney Weaver and Linda Hamilton studied this to learn how to act like tough girls. Stallone certainly stole a sequence outright; but has yet [to my knowledge] learned to act like a tough girl.

Magnificent Warriors. [David Chung, 1987.]

In that age of adventure the Nineteen-Thirties, advance men for the evil Japanese army are trying to build a poisonous-gas plant in a lost city in a quasiTibetan corner of the Greater East Asia Co-prosperity Sphere. Fortunately for the future of civilization, their plans are thwarted by the intrepid Secret Agent 001 and Indiana Jones’ longlost Chinese sister, gunrunning superbabe Michelle Yeoh, completely accessorized with yellow biplane, leather flying helmet, scarf, bomber jacket, and of course her everready whip. Even allowing for the quality of the fight choreography, there are some incredible stunts and a level of athleticism far beyond the capabilities of Harrison Ford and his standins. — With a game of dice among nomads, a bow-and-arrow firing squad, a harrowing chase [or three], a walled city put to siege, and a dogfight with a Zero which Michelle wins by plugging the enemy pilot with a well-aimed revolver shot [why didn’t my uncle think of that when he was in the Flying Tigers?] — Amazing.


Millionaires’ Express. [Sammo Hung, 1987.]

Something like a Chinese version of Blazing Saddles: halfadozen competing interest groups, including the cops, the Army, a gang of bandits, a bunch of mobsters, some Japanese dudes of unspecified motivation, and Sammo and his troupe of goldenhearted hookers all simultaneously attempt to rob the same train; complications ensue. With Yuen Biao, Richard Norton, Cynthia Rothrock, Yukari Oshima, and a whole lot of other people who can kick fruit out of the trees.


Wheels On Meals. [Sammo Hung, 1986.]

Yuen Biao, Sammo Hung, and Jackie Chan bring kungfu comedy to southern Europe. An international moratorium on the use of the skateboard should have been declared after Jackie’s stunt exhibition in the middle of this picture. — A droll effect is created by the dubbing, which suggests that people in Spain speak Cantonese. Everyone knows they speak English in Spain, and for that matter on other planets.


God Of Gamblers. [Wong Jing, 1989.]

Chow Yun Fat stars as the master of the gambler’s arts, invincible, apparently, in any game of chance, but most at home in those in which a cold smile, calculation, and charismatic influence can be brought to bear; i.e., poker. Not since Connery played Bond has such a magnetic screen presence been let loose in a casino, and even Connery didn’t look so radiantly confident in evening clothes; one can only think of Cary Grant. — Since there aren’t a lot of dramatic possibilities in the spectacle of Chow winning every contest he enters, the writers trot out the old bump-on-the-head-inducing-amnesia ploy to drop our hero among the struggling lower classes for the middle third of the picture; another well-timed bump on the head, as always, suffices to restore his faculties in time for the climactic poker game that ensures the victory of good over evil and the handsome reward of those who befriended him.


God Of Gamblers Returns. [Wong Jing, 1994.]

Retired in the South of France, Chow Yun Fat is persuaded to go back to Taiwan to face an adversary when he comes home to discover his pregnant wife has been butchered and his unborn son left floating in a specimen jar on the mantelpiece. After this revolting beginning another screenwriter seems to take the helm, and Chow’s comedy sidekicks dominate the middle of the picture, highlighted by a really dazzling game of kung fu blackjack, before the final highstakes poker confrontation in which, understandably, our hero terminates his enemies [and, of course, their bank accounts and real estate holdings] with extreme prejudice. — I am still trying to figure out how they managed to work a swordfight into this.


And meanwhile in neverneverland:


You’ve Got Mail. [Nora Ephron, 1998.]

Nora Ephron writes and directs, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan star in another romantic comedy guaranteed to warm your heart and drain your sinuses: two people who are enemies in real life meet anonymously online and fall in love. Can the ugly Darwinian reality of urban New York be reconciled with the untrammeled romantic fantasy spawned by cyberspatial flirtation? Take a wild guess. — Measured against the daunting five-hanky standard of Sleepless In Seattle, this falls somewhat short; I’m sure you can get through it with three. — Based just closely enough on The Shop Around The Corner [Lubitsch, 1940.] With Parker Posey, Greg Kinnear,and a really cute dog. Albeit no kung fu.


Star Trek: Insurrection. [Jonathan Frakes, 1998.]

Picard and the gang save the Garden of Eden from the evil Leper People, led by F. Murray Abraham, who is still trying to kill Mozart. The android sings Gilbert and Sullivan; Picard does the mambo and by inference the horizontal bop. — Question: wasn’t something lost when gunslingers started aiming those clunky flashlight lasers rather than twirling their sixshooters? There are a couple of overlong fight scenes here that even Tom Mix would have ended in seconds; let alone Chow Yun Fat. And why are these guys riding around the Enterprise in elevators when they could teleport? — Mere quibbles, of course; I wish I owned this franchise.


The Faculty. [Robert Rodriguez, 1998.]

Or, The Breakfast Club Versus The Puppet Masters. I could try to say something deep about the phenomenon of Kevin Williamson, a guy who has made his fortune from his fundamental inability to leave high school behind him, and who is, therefore, I guess, an inspiration to the developmentally disabled of all races creeds and colors. But why bother. — This further evidence of what Hollywood has done to debase the talent of Robert Rodriguez might have proved more depressing had the trailers not advertised a forthcoming action feature pairing Marky Mark with Chow Yun Fat: I cannot wait.

Later.

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’Tis the season (12/29/98)

Cool.