Ed Wood returns; and other misadventures (7/20/96)

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To quote myself:


Somewhere in How To Stuff A Wild Bikini (at least I think it was that one) Annette (backed by the inevitable dramatic chorus of beach babes) sings the usual soulful ballad to Frankie, stating the usual argument; couched (however) in unusual terms. It begins something like:

ANNETTE: The boy I marry doesn’t have to be a Hercules....

CHORUS (echoing): ...Hercules....

ANNETTE: The boy I marry doesn’t have to be Euripides....

CHORUS: ...Euripides....

At this point, of course — in Pasadena, in the Heroic Age — we all leapt severally from our decaying armchairs, regarded one another with disbelief, and cried in unison: “Hercules and Euripides?!” — The rest of it is lost in the mists of time. But this part’s good enough; isn’t it?

Later.

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Our research department can now report that this isn’t entirely accurate. — The motion picture in question was, indeed, How To Stuff A Wild Bikini. The plot, however, though a variation on the usual themes, marked a departure from the standard development: in this version Frankie, summoned by the Naval Reserve to a hitch in Goona Goona in the South Seas, calls on the services of a native witchdoctor (Buster Keaton, in another of those roles that proved — as if it needed further confirmation — that there is no limit to the mortification Hollywood may require of genius) to dispatch a familiar spirit to spy upon Annette, whom he suspects of cheating on him, even as he himself is enjoying the favors of a nubile (but refreshingly cynical) Polynesian babe. The spirit takes the form either of an albatross or a buxom redhead, perhaps both; I confess some lingering confusion.. — Mickey Rooney makes an appearance; the bogus bikers become involved; complications ensue. — Midway through this merry sport Annette (who is energetically resisting the advances of Dwayne Hickman) receives an uncandid letter from Frankie, who claims to be pining away for her unattended. — Pleased with the tenor of this missive, she turns to her supporting chorus of beach babes, and bursts into song:

ANNETTE: The perfect boy
Doesn’t have to be a Hercules

CHORUS: ...Hercules...

ANNETTE: The perfect boy
Doesn’t have to be Euripides

CHORUS: ...’Ripides...

ANNETTE: Brawn or brain
He doesn’t have to be
What I mean
To say is actually
The perfect boy
Only has to be
Just true
To me.
The perfect boy
Doesn’t have to be a movie star

CHORUS: ...movie star...

ANNETTE: The perfect boy
Doesn’t have to drive a fancy car

CHORUS: ...fancy car...

ANNETTE: Fame or wealth
He doesn’t have to be (? — sic)
What I mean
To say is actually
The perfect boy
Only has to be
Faithful
— True and faithful to me!

Almost immediately, alas, she is made aware of Frankie’s deception. — Even Annette may contemplate revenge: Dwayne Hickman gains in her affections. — We fear the worst.

Fortunately, as was always the case in MCMLXV, the right prevails: the bikers are thwarted, Dwayne Hickman falls for someone else, Frankie and Annette are reunited, the weather never breaks, and no one ever pops a zit. No wonder we all grew up to be airheads.

Later.

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The four henchmen of the apocalypse (2/4/96)