Just a gigolo (5/31/01)
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The Arena. [Joe D’Amato, 1973. Written by John William Corrington and Joyce Hooper Corrington.]
Gladiator for chicks: in the dark days of the decadence of the Roman Empire, Margaret Markov and Pam Grier are kidnapped at opposite ends of the Earth and sold into slavery in the circuses, where they end up dancing, serving drinks at orgies, and getting pawed over by fat disgusting Italian guys with hair on their backs. This wouldn’t carry us very far, but when a picturesque foodfight reveals Pam to be the Chyna of her day a lightbulb goes off over somebody’s head and the babes are sent to gladiator school, where they learn the rudiments of swordplay and how to sneer at fallen enemies; they do several star turns about the blood-and-sand circuit which repay their owner’s investment handsomely before the ugliness of it all registers, their political consciousness is raised, and they lead a slave revolt that sends many a motherfucker up against the wall.
Thus predictably we have naked babes auctioned off in chains [really, eBay should give this some thought], torture, crucifixion, ritual disembowelment, the hungry drooling mob waving thumbs down [but not at least holding up those fucking signs for the television cameras], a chase through the catacombs [didn’t the Romans have sewers?], swords, sandals, and helmets with fancy plumes; all they needed was a bit of digital trickery to make the crowds look bigger, and, presumably, this could have carried off the Academy Awards. — Seriously, I wish Ridley Scott had screened this before he cast Russell Crowe; he might have reconsidered his concept, to the betterment of all.
D’Amato [née Aristide Massaccesi] may hold the IMDB record for aliases, having worked as a director under thirty-five or forty different names [not including “Steve Carver”, the name that trails the credits here]; his one hundred fifty films include such titles as
Emmanuelle And The Last Cannibals,
Sex Penitentiary, and
Porno Holocaust.
____________Scots wha hae (5/18/01)
